Disclaimer #1
This will probably be the longest post you will ever see from me. When I actually do write I tend to write a lot. Sometimes less is more. This is not one of those times.
Disclaimer #2
I typically get annoyed with New Years and all of the new goals that come along with everyone getting overly ambitious about their life, just because the date has changed. I can go as far as to say that I throw New Years into the same category as holidays such as Thanksgiving or Valentine's Day. Before anyone gets all defensive here, I simply mean that just as we should be thankful year round, and show/tell individuals that we love them year round, we should also be working to better ourselves year round and not just in lou of a holiday.
Now, with all of that being said, I am at a place in my life where both having and documenting my own personal goals seems necessary. It just so happens that this realization has also occurred around the new year. Basically, I feel the need to share these goals with whomever choses to read them as a way of keeping myself accountable. It is one thing to tell yourself you are going to experience new things or do certain things differently, and it is an entirely different thing to share those ideas with other people. I think that sharing has the duel purpose of allowing one to perhaps connect with someone else or even encourage someone else; but also has the ability for my friends to call me out on any shenanigans in my life. I can do all the self-monitoring I want, but nothing grabs my attention more than the people I care most about in my life being invested in my progress as well. Having my friends ask me if I am still working on x,y, or z things and following through with my plans is a very beneficial way of keeping myself "on track". It may sound incredibly selfish, but at the same time, to my dearest friends, this is just a small testament to how much I truly value your input.
So, it is here, that I am beginning to share some of these goals both with friends and just random readers via the internet. If you know me, especially on a more personal level, than these following goals will probably make more sense to you, or at least not seem so cheesy. However, if you don't know me, I hope you still enjoy these.
All of the ways that I wish to grow and progress forward with my life in my early twenties; AKA "New Years Resolutions":
1) Eat More
I feel like a lot of people's new resolutions consist of watching what they eat or going on some diet that they really don't want to be on. My goal here shares the same desire to eat healthy, but for me, that is making sure that I eat. I often use the excuses "I have no time to eat" or "It is very wasteful to spend money on food and cook it just for one person", etc. While I still find those statements containing some truth, I also realize how absurd it is to not actually eat just because I don't have other mouths to feed in my household. I have also realized that I view eating as a social experience rather than a necessity to survival. False. I am by no means starving here, but I have a hunch that I would feel a lot more energized throughout my busy schedule if I in fact consumed some nutrition. (Duh!) But that is easier said than done for me. I also am an extremely picky eater and would actually prefer to drink things in the form of a smoothie of sorts rather than actually take the time to eat real food. Again, unless of course I am socializing and eating. It is finally starting to sink into my brain that even though I may eat relatively healthy foods, my body stores these fruits and vegetables as fat because it doesn't know when it is going to get food again. So basically my eating healthier foods but not often enough actually has not helped me in the weight loss department and is really quite unhealthy. The past three days I have actually managed to eat multiple times a day and have felt much more energized to get stuff done. However, I have a feeling this will be a particularly difficult goal to seriously upkeep, because I feel like I have spent more money on groceries in the past week than I typically do in about a month.
2) Read more
I always say I am going to do this, but then I literally always just end up rereading Harry Potter. I want and need to expand my horizons. I want to read more nonfiction, more history based material, and biographies. Not that I am against fiction, because fantasy type genres happen to be my absolute favorites to read; but I feel like I need to put on my adult shoes and branch out some. This also includes reading the Bible more. If I read the Bible as many times as I have read the Harry Potter Series I could be one ridiculously knowledgeable person of biblical teaching.
3) Clean more
Although I have some clutter every now and again, I am actually a pretty organized and cleanly person. Cleaning is a stress reliever for me, and I feel like a large weight is lifted off of my shoulders every time something gets scrubbed, swept, or put away. So why not make sure I do this more often?
4) Do more artsy things
Again, this is something I always say that I am going to do but never follow through with. When I was a young kid all I would do was draw, build, or paint. It actually caused many arguments in our house growing up because there was a time when I would rather practice artwork than be involved in sports. I had always wanted to take up instrument or vocal lessons, but I was always told they would get in the way of my sports "career". I'm not at a spot financially where I can just pick up an instrument and start taking lessons, but I am going to start out small and begin things like sketching again. I am also a bit of a perfectionist, so I always have these visions of things I want to paint or draw and they never come out that way. Boo-hoo, right? Right. I know. I need to get over myself. Art is subjective anyway. I am not doing it for a living, and I am currently not doing it to showcase to anyone. I just want to do it for myself for two reasons. One, because I once enjoyed it and want to continuing doing more artsy things. And secondly, because I have become less social over the years and I think this is a great way to express myself. As cheesy as it sounds, I need to do that. I need to articulate myself in ways other than just clumsy conversations with people. I've already done one sketch, and although I am not crazy about it, I am trying to shed the perfectionist approach so that I may actually enjoy doing this and stick with it.
5) Be more educated on things
It's always good to be aware of things that are happening both in your local news and around the world. It's also good to be able to know how to do things. Sometimes I feel like I live under a rock. I get so wrapped up in my job that I honestly don't take the time to be educated on current events. And I certainly don't take the time to learn a new hobby or even a quick "how-to" of something. Now that I am conscientious of this, I need to make the time for myself to actually learn more. Whether it is about news, or how to do something constructive, I need to keep learning.
6) Write
I suppose this could have gone into the artsy things category, but I think it deserves its own recognition. My perfectionist attitude once again limits my ability to express myself. I have constant ideas flowing through my mind of potential poems, journals, blogs, stories, novels....all of that. And do I ever write them down? If you guessed "no", than you are quite correct. At most, I may jot down a poem here or there; or even write down one whole paragraph of a story idea. Then I'll convince myself that it is poorly written and a lame idea anyway, so it gets thrown away. I have a handful of beautifully decorated journals that are mostly blank. I have made myself believe that I have writer's block before I even begin writing. No more. Same as the art thing--I am going to do this. If it is garbage, who cares. I need to find ways to get my thoughts down. Writing is a great way to do this and I need to take advantage of that.
7) Discover things about the place I currently live
When I lived in Cleveland, I was SO enthusiastic about finding out about my city. The history, the green space, cultural activities, hang out spots, nonprofits, parks and beaches, places to eat..you name it. One of my favorite things to do other than lolligag around downtown was to explore on the RTAs. Now that I am in a new location that is seemingly less appealing, I have lost that interest to explore. But enough with the moping. The only way I am going to find interesting things here is to invest in this new place. This isnt exactly an area where a girl should be meandering around on foot, and there is no need for a bussing system, but I do need to make an effort to get out more. Really.
8) Use my computer more
I'm pretty sure I am not your average 24 year old. I virtually know nothing about computers. On a good day, I use my laptop to check facebook. If I am feeling ambitious I might even check my work email or watch a youtube video. If it's a really good day I may even read a food blog that I like. My computer skills consist of typing on word, and making a spreadsheet or powerpoint if I have to. I think exploring the internet could be beneficial to some of my other goals. I was never interested in "surfing the web" much before because I had the notion that the internet was full of,well, debauchery pretty much. People hacking into personal information, uncredited news material, unreliable sources, viruses, etc. I wanted nothing to do with searching for anything because I just didn't think that anything was worth the hassle of navigating the internet. (I'm not 80 years old, I promise). Obviously I know that there are edifying and worthwhile things out there, and perhaps maybe even people to connect with. (I'm more of a face to face kind of person so I never wanted to get sucked in to spending a lot of my socializing time behind a computer screen). But then again, there is nothing wrong with connecting with people who are different from you. This goal is also not limited to just the internet. I have a Mac, which automatically means I have some cool features on this thing that I should probably use. I think I've discovered more stuff about my Mac today alone, than since I have owned it. Honestly, I probably know how to use 60% of the things on here. I'm working on it.
9) Don't speak illy of other people
Pretty easy. Im pretty good actually about not doing this. But I've noticed the more stressed I get, the easier it is to do this. Especially when there are things and people directly associated with that stress. But Hakuna-Matata...yeah? Yeah. No good comes out of talking badly about other people. You feel like crap. The problem typically doesnt get fixed if its just being talked about from a one sided point of view. More tension builds because your tongue is enabling you to be a crappy person. What's more is I am trying to get to the point also where I don't even HAVE the thoughts to verbalize. It's one thing to hold your tongue, but it is an even more genuine thing to not think negatively about people in the first place. Sure, we all get frustrated from time to time. But really, who am I to say anything about anybody else?
10) Do a better job of keeping in contact with the people that I actually care about
This one speaks loud and clear. I have gotten so terrible at this and there is no excuse. Mose of my friends are already well aware of this. And hey, I've been working on it and am going to keep working on it. Help me out by yelling at me about it or something :)
11. Be a better person
This one sounds like a very general goal, I know. (And it is something that I actually try to do every single day). To any outsider who vaguely knows me, they might actually question what the heck I mean by that. Not to toot my own horn, but from the outside it appears as though I am a pretty decent person. I love to work with kids, I am most always willing to lend a helping hand to anyone regardless of the circumstance, etc. But that isn't enough, and that is not what I am talking about. The main question that I tend to ask myself is, "Can people see Christ in me?" Even if the many people that I encounter don't share the same belief in or relationship with God that I have, can they tell that there is something different about me? Can they tell that this something is different, not because of the who I am, but because of the work that is being done inside of me? And to be completely honest, I firmly believe the answer to those questions as of late, has been no. Living alone for the past two years has really shown me just how selfish I really am. It is hard to put into words exactly, but I know that there is much much more to being a "good person" than just helping people. What are my motives for helping people anyway? Too add to this, I have also realized that being away from my closest of friends in a small city that I have little desire to be in, has made me bitter. This bitterness has hardened me. And anyone who has been hardened before knows that the ramifications are not good. They are not good spiritually, physically, emotionally. In the past two years I have shut people out, been less enthusiastic about my passions, and pretty much islolated myself literally from everyone and everything. I have allowed my bitterness to consume me to the point where I am beginning to build up walls that I thought no longer existed, which directly is hindering both my relationships with God and well, everyrone else in general. I realize that the way that I communicate with people is now often surfacey. I even have caught myself being brash with individuals when I should have been showing grace instead of attitude. I catch myself taking things personally that I know are petty, and as a result find myself becoming defensive in ways that I do not need to be. It is really hard to snap out of your bitterness too, especially because it makes you so wrapped up inside of yourself, and you don't want to let anybody in. So, this goal is me seeing that I have not been really doing anything for anybody else and it needs to change. I realize that all the above mentioned goals are centered around my own self growth, but I guess I saved the best for last. This is going to sound very contradictory here, but whatever. I DO think that it is good to take the time to invest in myself, improve myself, and do things for my own enjoyment. But, ultimately, this is not about me. (Huh?) Yeah I know, super hypocritical sounding, but I don't mean it to be. I am human and I do have my own needs and wants and blah blah, but ultimately I am most concerned about others. How do I interact with them? Is it more beneficial or hindering for them to have an encounter with me? How can I serve them? How can I love them? This is how my mind worked 24.7 before I let the bitterness try and swarm me. And this is how I want my mind to keep working, along with my heart of course.
For me, this change is going to come from spending real time reading the Word, making conscious efforts to spend time with people, and praying substantially more and harder. The thing is, once you have experienced the joys and highs of having a faith filled life, you can also recognize when you are having such a hard time connecting with such things. I realized that by not actually reading the Bible (which I do believe to be the truth, by the way), not praying, not talking, etc. that I am making it more difficult for myself to be intune with the above mentioned joys and highs. And as a result of feeling disconnected spiritually, I also feel myself feeling disconnected from friends, community of sorts, and to be honest, basically the world. (A little dramatic sounding I know, but that is the painted picture of this snowball affect). So, pressing onward to loving people more, better, and unconditionally.
Disclaimer #3: I am not intending this blog to be offensive to others who do not share the same view points as me (whether it be about politics, spirituallity, or even what your favorite food is for that matter), but being as I do believe in God and believe that He is living and working in me, there is a 99.9% chance that there will be further mention of my walk in future posts. Just like you will probably be hearing things about my being vegetarian too, or how I like mermaids and unicorns. Get over it. Everyone wants to talk about how they are an individual and entitled to think, speak, and do things how they want; but as soon as someone comes along and voices or does something differently than said individual they get all in a huff. Relax. Also, newsflash, I am an individual too...so these are my own thoughts. I can speak only for myself. There will be parts of my blog that share personal pieces of my life. Enjoy it. Dismiss it. I don't really care. Just don't get all worked up if you read something you don't like.
So friends, this was my incredibly lengthy introduction to this blog. Thanks for browsing. Who knows, maybe this even made you think about some growths that can be gained in your own life. Whether we label it as new resolutions, or life goals, or moving forward, I do think we owe it to ourselves and to those around us to be constantly progressing. There are indeed moments of stillness in our lives, but even in those seemingly dull times something within us may be refining to ultimately help us move forward. Learn, change, develop, whatever. Just go out and be something to somebody else.
